mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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