Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
