just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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