I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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