Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
third nipple confirmed
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
