peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
