I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
