I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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