This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
