Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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