I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
