She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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