She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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