I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
People in love make me want to vomit
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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