What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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