***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
