Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
