I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
