My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
