Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
