turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
