some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
