She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize