do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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