There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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