Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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