I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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