When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He kissed a someone with a penis
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
