Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
