I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
