I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
so much tequila, so little girl.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
