i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
