I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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