Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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