I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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