hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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