Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
