YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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