I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
