he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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