We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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