We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I love you. Go after that dick
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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