Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
