The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
