Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
