OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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