my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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