You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
