Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
