When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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