So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
