last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize