Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
