You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i need an iv and a liver transplant
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize
