It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
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