It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
