did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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