This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
