I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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