just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
