I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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